So much has happened recently, but in all reality it has meant nothing at all. Just plans. I'm looking to move downtown, I'm planning a quick trip to Toronto, I've been invited on a geneology excursion to Scotland for 2010, there is even a 2 week trip to Greece 2011 in the works... 2 of 4 things I know will happen, let's just wait and see for the remaining two.

I am currently addicted to shows like 'Departures' and 'Long way down'. Every time I'm at my father's house to do laundry, I pretty much just have the travel/national geographic network playing non stop. It can be nothing to him but an annoyance. They take me places I want to be. It is my brief period of happy for the days I'm not hanging around T and S. I find myself having short periods of 'what the hell am I doing when I could actually be LIVING' every day, and I hate it. I want to do something, not just sit around.

I want to explain my last post. It was very quickly written (as is this one), and I had honestly had enough with the situation I was in... strike that; currently in. You see, nothing much has changed since July. I have school coming up to keep me grounded. I don't feel as worthless in school because I know that it is a privilage to be there. Learning is everything. Evidentally, I feel useless at work; learning nothing and wondering if anyone even likes me at all. Every one there is fake and gossip-y. It feels like middle school (even high school had more class than this place).

I honestly don't mean to make things sound so depressing. They aren't. There are brief periods when I forget my goals and sink into the moment... long enough to not breakdown, so that's something. Money is the issue. Always money. I have my parent's genes to spend instead of hide away, and it has become a deciding factor in the happiness of my life. Long term, I mean. Do I really need that second coffee, or do I want to save that money for my long-awaited work-holiday abroad? My brain then tells me it wants coffee if I want it to stay awake enough to yell at the kids to tell them to get their asses moving and vaccum. I don't know how to get passed it. I've been saving all my loose change and things - which I am pretty proud of, but it won't get me a plane ticket to Amsterdam any time soon. Perhaps I will exercise more, drink more water and rely on my good health to get rid of my coffee cravings. The optimist in me says that I will get there some day, but the stubborn Dutch side (my mother's side) tells me I want it now, and stomps it's foot like a four year old.

My motto has become 'we'll see'

So that's exactly what we'll do.

-xo